Sybil? Madonna? Oh...It's Scooter

I'm sure I only gave birth to two daughters, but somehow I ended up with three.

My oldest has somehow splintered into (at least) two people.

The one I KNOW never shuts up, will say anything to anyone, and is in a constant state of manic rapid fire motion.

Typical after school conversations go like this:

Me: "How was school honey?"
Daughter:" Good enough." (Pulls out ipod): "Listentothissongmomlistentothissongmomlistentothissongmom...."
Rolls down window in car and yells to a friend walking "Hey K YOU SEXY BITCH!!!!!"

"CanwegotoDunkinsINEEDtogotoDunkinsI'vebeendyingforDunkinsalldaycanwepleeeeeasegotoDunkins....Oh my God you wouldn't believe what happened today I nearly peed myself laughing in fact I think I did pee myself..."

And that's just the ride home. Once we arrive, I get a detailed play by play of the day's events performed dramatically at lightening speed with frequent subject changes:

"We were in gym playing badminton and me and Amanda are such losers at badminton that we have to use the Retard Rackets... sometimes we call them SPED Sticks.... and we still ended up crashing into eachother.... But Oh My God mom there's this really shy boy and he's tiny and I always bust boys by saying their first AND last names and when he was walking down the hall I said to him 'Hey Cameron Smith, my left tit is winking at you' and he got all embarrassed and didn't know what to say and I felt wicked bad for him...and then I dropped my books in the hall after lunch and there was this kid behind me and I said to him 'Are you gonna help me or just stand there and stare at my butt crack....'"

Yup. That's the girl I know. Yeah yeah yeah....she's a brazen potty mouth who knows she's "hot" and uses that status to say whatever she feels like to whomever. And when I get a nanosecond I register my objections. I want her to be KIND, but her version of kind is to scare the shit out of anyone who gives her little sister crap. That's HER job. But I must admit that I sorta like her moxy and frankly I find her amusing.

She can actually be quite clever WITHOUT being crass...she recently took a sentimental song about a girl's longing for a real relationship with her father and changed the lyrics so it was about a girl's longing for McDonald's to open and sang it to me...it was so funny I almost stole it (I'll share it later though).

But last night ANOTHER daughter emerged. A vulnerable one. She decided she wanted to quit the track team. After a lengthy mother/daughter heart to heart we finally got to the essence of the matter: she is AFRAID to run in front of a lot of people (or do ANYTHING, including sing, in front of people). THAT from the girl who can tell a virtual stranger that her left tit is winking at him? Teenagers are inexplicable creatures. Again, I'm very lucky to be medicated.

She ultimately agreed to stick it out for the season. Good choice. But when I picked her up from school today she said to me (before "Hello") "I just want you to tell dad that I'll finish the season but I'm not a homosexual who runs around in circles for points. That's HIM, not me."

Now THAT'S the girl I know. Madonna has some serious competition here.