Holiday Shopping Tips For The Retarded

If you don't know this stuff by now, then you will be immediately placed on the Holiday Retard List.

It's officially December, the National "Go To The Mall And Buy Stuff for People" Month.

So please keep this one simple tip in mind: when you're buying presents for people, the "thought" doesn't count.

The present counts.

We can forgive our children when they were really young and made us adorable precious angel ornaments for the tree out of toilet paper rolls, pipe cleaners, and crayons when what we ACTUALLY wanted was a weekend away at a spa in the Berkshires. They didn't have credit cards and besides, they couldn't sign their names in cursive even if they did.

So forget the kids...Christmas isn't about THEM anyways. Let's think about us grown-ups for a moment here. There are rules for gift buying, and if you don't follow them, then you deserve whatever YOU get for Christmas.

Rules for Loved Ones:

When wife, husband, favorite boyfriend/girlfriend or hooker says:

"Gee honey, I really LOVED those (insert name of designer here Hoagy) completely impractical and very expensive stilletoe heeled thigh high red faux alligator skin boots we just saw at Macy's. Sure wish I had a pair of THOSE!" then do not purchase Said Loved One:

A pair of gloves
A "Safety Kit" in case they get stuck in their car during a snowstorm
ANY item of clothing you pick out all by yourself because you KNOW your Loved One's taste (you don't).

Buy the fucking boots. (One note...if Said Loved One happens to be a husband and/or favorite boyfriend and expresses interest in the thigh high stilletoe heeled boots, then immediately make new arrangements for Christmas that do not include him.)

Rules for Everyone Else:

This category includes neighbors, colleagues, the paper boy, children's teachers etc.

Who cares? Wal-Mart's open pretty late on Christmas Eve-grab what's left.

Except when it comes to your children's teachers, of course. We collectively own enough "I Heart My Teacher" mugs to open our own chain of Teacher Tea & Coffee Hotspots (Constant CNN Coverage and Regular Quizzes Free of Charge). Instead,I suggest lottery scratch tickets (which I get my children's teachers every year because I think it would be wicked funny if the best teacher in the school won a ton of money, quit their job, and every parent in the community would blame ME) and booze.

And my kids? They want ipods and laptops. So I've got my toilet paper rolls and pipe cleaners out right now....it's payback time!