WHAT'S your name??????
My kid has been in school forever with a dorky boy named Salem, and a few years ago she overheard the following conversation between Salem and one of his teachers:
TEACHER: Salem, where did you get your name from anyway?
SALEM: My parents named me after the city I was born in.
TEACHER: Well, good thing you weren't born in Marblehead.
I SO wish I had said that.
Anyway, I've dealt with so many names during my illustrious career that I've come to lump them into "categories." Here's a few examples:
1. NAMES GIVEN BY MOTHERS WHO READ TOO MANY ROMANCE NOVELS:
Blaise, Dirk, Lance, Astor...Note To New Mothers: If you don't want to see you son's names included in the same sentence with "throbbing loins," then quit reading the Harlequins while pregnant. In fact, you should stop reading them altogether-the Surgeon General says so.
2. THE SAME NAME WITH MULTIPLE SPELLINGS:
Ashley, Ashlee, Ashliegh, Ashlyie, Ashlii (hearts over both I's)....Katelin, Katelynn, Katielynn... Yeah..THAT makes your name an original! And by ALL means girls, feel free to get pissed when someone spells it wrong. New Rule: One name-one spelling.
3. BACKWARDS/FORWARD NAMES:
These are names you could swap, first and last, and they'd still sound normal. Examples: Bryant Andrew, Dale Howard, Deval Patrick (Next Governor of Massachusetts)...
4. ANYONE NAMED RICHARD WHO CALL THEMSELVES DICK:
It's just not right. We had a guy who was running for a local office recently, and there were signs everywhere saying "VOTE FOR DICK SWEAT." By the way Dick, did you win???? Maybe calling yourself "RICHARD" might have been a little more savvy politically? (Can I get sued for this?)
Hey, I have a brother named Richard...I sense potential fun here.
5. NAMES THAT SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM THE AVAILABLE POOL:
Agnes, Fred, Winifred, Hazel...I came within inches of being named after my "Aunt Winnie," but luckily, my parents were somewhat sane. But even if I DID end up being Winnie, this Rose By Any Other Name would have been sitting on the courthouse steps at 5 A.M. on her 18th birthday to legally change my name to "Anything But Winnie." "Your Honor, I'd like my name to be changed to Ashley. Spell it however the hell you want."
6. FIRST AND LAST NAMES WHICH DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF NATURE:
Tiffany Rodrigus, Maryanne Rosemblum, Leroy Jamal Goldsmith...they're like bad marriages-just not meant to be.
7. NAMES THAT ANY CELEBRITY GIVE TO THIER CHILDREN:
"Apple?????" "Mom, I know you're rich and famous, but why couldn't you have just named me Jane? And why Apple? What about 'Orange' or 'Banana,' since you were intent on humiliating me for life with that birth certificate?"
Did I offend anyone? Tough. You don't know where I live. Or my name. But you can be pretty sure that it's NOT Winnie.
TEACHER: Salem, where did you get your name from anyway?
SALEM: My parents named me after the city I was born in.
TEACHER: Well, good thing you weren't born in Marblehead.
I SO wish I had said that.
Anyway, I've dealt with so many names during my illustrious career that I've come to lump them into "categories." Here's a few examples:
1. NAMES GIVEN BY MOTHERS WHO READ TOO MANY ROMANCE NOVELS:
Blaise, Dirk, Lance, Astor...Note To New Mothers: If you don't want to see you son's names included in the same sentence with "throbbing loins," then quit reading the Harlequins while pregnant. In fact, you should stop reading them altogether-the Surgeon General says so.
2. THE SAME NAME WITH MULTIPLE SPELLINGS:
Ashley, Ashlee, Ashliegh, Ashlyie, Ashlii (hearts over both I's)....Katelin, Katelynn, Katielynn... Yeah..THAT makes your name an original! And by ALL means girls, feel free to get pissed when someone spells it wrong. New Rule: One name-one spelling.
3. BACKWARDS/FORWARD NAMES:
These are names you could swap, first and last, and they'd still sound normal. Examples: Bryant Andrew, Dale Howard, Deval Patrick (Next Governor of Massachusetts)...
4. ANYONE NAMED RICHARD WHO CALL THEMSELVES DICK:
It's just not right. We had a guy who was running for a local office recently, and there were signs everywhere saying "VOTE FOR DICK SWEAT." By the way Dick, did you win???? Maybe calling yourself "RICHARD" might have been a little more savvy politically? (Can I get sued for this?)
Hey, I have a brother named Richard...I sense potential fun here.
5. NAMES THAT SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM THE AVAILABLE POOL:
Agnes, Fred, Winifred, Hazel...I came within inches of being named after my "Aunt Winnie," but luckily, my parents were somewhat sane. But even if I DID end up being Winnie, this Rose By Any Other Name would have been sitting on the courthouse steps at 5 A.M. on her 18th birthday to legally change my name to "Anything But Winnie." "Your Honor, I'd like my name to be changed to Ashley. Spell it however the hell you want."
6. FIRST AND LAST NAMES WHICH DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF NATURE:
Tiffany Rodrigus, Maryanne Rosemblum, Leroy Jamal Goldsmith...they're like bad marriages-just not meant to be.
7. NAMES THAT ANY CELEBRITY GIVE TO THIER CHILDREN:
"Apple?????" "Mom, I know you're rich and famous, but why couldn't you have just named me Jane? And why Apple? What about 'Orange' or 'Banana,' since you were intent on humiliating me for life with that birth certificate?"
Did I offend anyone? Tough. You don't know where I live. Or my name. But you can be pretty sure that it's NOT Winnie.
posted by Bemisdown at 10:32 AM
15 Comments:
LOVE that song!!!
You can call me Winnie, if you want.
Dude! Lay off the bad spellers.
My real-world name abbreviates to a boy's name....so, at least once a week, I get an e-mail addressed to Mr. [my last name]*. People are so baffled when they actually meet me or speak to me on the phone.
(*Contrary to what NoOprah keeps insisting by calling me Mr. Cake...I'm a gal. Really.)
Or Pluto, since it's not even a PLANET anymore!
What about parents that name their kid Hoagy?
Goddamn retards is what I say.
You could always follow the George Forman Philsophy of Naming Children.
My father very often went through the entire list of his daughters names when addressing one of us and ended up saying "whatever the hell your name is." George Foreman doesn't have that problem.
Well well well...looky who posted. The blonde.
Motheragawd,
Why none of us was named after "Jackie Kennedy" is a mystery that was buried over a decade ago. But being the Holy Holy Mother and all, maybe you have some connections and can answer that question for me.
And Hey There mzmatch...
Nice to have "the blonde" joining us!
My parents used to go through all the pets AND my sister's name before they got to me.
I really should be in counselling.
Was "the blonde" recently in a limo?
Yup.
Boy is SHE brave, getting into a limo with those two.
She only got in with the other one. I wasn't invited in.
NoOprah wasn't cool enough to ride in a limo with Hoagy and "the blonde"?? Wow...my world's shaken.
Motheragawd,
Because you're the Holy Holy Mother and you KNOW all this stuff.
Besides, you're older than me.
What did they do, look at me and say "Well THAT ain't no Jackie!" Crushed again.
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