So WHY exactly am I still alive?

As you know by now, I'm a very deep thinker. And as the ancient Greek Philosopher what's-his-name said "A life without an exam is not worth living."

Or something like that. It's Greek for Christ's sake-and people in Greece with last names like Thermasouapakidermiolidiopolous only PRETEND they understand what other Greek people are saying.

Anyway, as I reflect (Deeply) on the events of my past, I can't help but wonder... "Why the hell am I still alive?" So far I've survived:

1. Drinking Drano (YUM!)
2. Escaping from my house while still in diapers and wandering into rush hour traffic
3. Running directly through a glass door
4. Almost getting hit on the back of the head by a chairlift in Colorado and falling approximately 10,000 feet to my death (I was saved by a fat guy...I'm pretty sure he had a heart attack after that incident)
5. Getting scorched by boiling water
6. My mother's cooking
7. My father's driving

And that just covers ages 0-7 or so. Adolesence and young adulthood were also jam packed with "You REALLY should be dead right now" experiences, but they're too unsavory to include here.

While I think my brother Richard may exceed me in the "near death experiences" count (some of which involved ME though), I really shouldn't be here sucking up oxygen.

So my life obviously has meaning and purpose! I'm calling Oprah right now!
SHE'LL be able to tell me why I'm still on the planet. And maybe she'll give me a new car.