I"ll Take Hell Please
I have nothing against really religious people as long as they
a. Stay very far away from me and
b. Don't want to kill me
Go to your church, synagogue, mosque, spaceship or whatever and worship your brains out. Kneel towards Mecca, bath in or drink your Holy Water (several 8 ounce glasses per day recommended-Oh, sorry. That was from Weight Watchers), sing in Hebrew (the words are written backwards, by the way-so if you're searching around for a new religion and have difficulty reading People Magazine, this one probably isn't for you), hum, chant, do the Tango-I could care less-just keep it out of MY life.
Many religions, though, go out of their way to get in your face. Some send clean cut young men, wearing suits and ties RIGHT TO YOUR FRONT DOOR with pamphlets explaining to you that the only way to avoid spending an eternity in Hell is to spend your brief LIFETIME in Hell hanging out with freaks like them. Shouldn't these guys be watching football games, drinking beer directly from the keg, and trolling the local bars trying to pick up chicks?
And then there are the "Born-Again Christians..." I don't even know what that means, but if either of MY kids wanted to be "Born Again" they can hire someone else to go through the 30 hours of labor part. I actually know a lot of "Born Agains," and one young man tried to convince me that the sex he had BEFORE he "found" Christ DIDN'T COUNT. What do you mean it didn't count???? I'll bet it would've counted a LOT if he had knocked someone up. Unless Christ was willing to kick in for the child support payments.
Of course, we can always rely on the crazed Muslims. All you have to do is say something in public like "Gee, those Burkas aren't very fashionable, and they don't look all that comfortable" and thousands of them would start piling into the streets of their hometowns shooting guns in the air and burning shit (preferably American Flags-crazed Muslims must own more American Flags than you'd see across all of America on the Fourth of July and Veterans day combined-I'll bet there are as many "Flags For Burning" outlets in the Islamic world as there are Wal-Marts here), screaming "Jihad" and, the now getting a little old and boring, "Death To America." And then they'd put a hit out on whoever made the offensive comment. They're like Professional Protesters. Eventually they go home, and if they have a satellite dish, they'll look for MTV or Bay Watch re-runs. I don't like these folks-they're WAY too sensitive. And usually armed.
My point? If you want to sell me your religion, or kill me because I don't share yours, then you must first allow me to spend hours discussing with YOU all of my personal hygiene habits, the details of my recent visit to my OBGYN, and a minute by minute discription of both of my childrens' births. Including pictures.
a. Stay very far away from me and
b. Don't want to kill me
Go to your church, synagogue, mosque, spaceship or whatever and worship your brains out. Kneel towards Mecca, bath in or drink your Holy Water (several 8 ounce glasses per day recommended-Oh, sorry. That was from Weight Watchers), sing in Hebrew (the words are written backwards, by the way-so if you're searching around for a new religion and have difficulty reading People Magazine, this one probably isn't for you), hum, chant, do the Tango-I could care less-just keep it out of MY life.
Many religions, though, go out of their way to get in your face. Some send clean cut young men, wearing suits and ties RIGHT TO YOUR FRONT DOOR with pamphlets explaining to you that the only way to avoid spending an eternity in Hell is to spend your brief LIFETIME in Hell hanging out with freaks like them. Shouldn't these guys be watching football games, drinking beer directly from the keg, and trolling the local bars trying to pick up chicks?
And then there are the "Born-Again Christians..." I don't even know what that means, but if either of MY kids wanted to be "Born Again" they can hire someone else to go through the 30 hours of labor part. I actually know a lot of "Born Agains," and one young man tried to convince me that the sex he had BEFORE he "found" Christ DIDN'T COUNT. What do you mean it didn't count???? I'll bet it would've counted a LOT if he had knocked someone up. Unless Christ was willing to kick in for the child support payments.
Of course, we can always rely on the crazed Muslims. All you have to do is say something in public like "Gee, those Burkas aren't very fashionable, and they don't look all that comfortable" and thousands of them would start piling into the streets of their hometowns shooting guns in the air and burning shit (preferably American Flags-crazed Muslims must own more American Flags than you'd see across all of America on the Fourth of July and Veterans day combined-I'll bet there are as many "Flags For Burning" outlets in the Islamic world as there are Wal-Marts here), screaming "Jihad" and, the now getting a little old and boring, "Death To America." And then they'd put a hit out on whoever made the offensive comment. They're like Professional Protesters. Eventually they go home, and if they have a satellite dish, they'll look for MTV or Bay Watch re-runs. I don't like these folks-they're WAY too sensitive. And usually armed.
My point? If you want to sell me your religion, or kill me because I don't share yours, then you must first allow me to spend hours discussing with YOU all of my personal hygiene habits, the details of my recent visit to my OBGYN, and a minute by minute discription of both of my childrens' births. Including pictures.
posted by Bemisdown at 1:10 PM
19 Comments:
Anunomess,
They're just weird. But as you can tell, I'm not terribly religious.
But I read about some guy who referred to himself as a "Provisional Diest." I liked that-it covers all bases.
Not to get to deep or anything....
Of course I meant "too" deep....what kind of a teacher am I????
A lot of Muslims right now are very ticked off, hopping mad, like they get, at the Pope. And all he did was say that the only new things their prophet did were "evil and inhuman." I guess it's good the speech wasn't illustrated...
http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/09/15/pope.islam/index.html
So, that's what that's about.
And I think it's "Deist," not "Diest." Or maybe he just believed in going on "Diets."
Clinky,
You know, I questioned that one, but went for the "I before E except after C" rule.
It didn't feel right, but I went for it anyway.
You are now officially my Editor.
Jeeze-
Voltaire would have spelled "Deist" correctly. In French even. I'm just ashamed of myself-that's what I get for following the stupid rules.
Muslims ticked off at the Pope? Now THERE'S a shocker! While Pope John Paul Peter Pious Alexander (who really cares what his name is-he looks just like all of the other Popes I've seen-that's what happens when you never change your clothes) should have chosen a quote by Dr. Phil instead of some Byzantine Emporer who died a million years ago and saw the world in terms of "Good Guys and Heathens" (Hey...wait a minute....besides the dying part, that sort of sounds like our current Commander-in-Chief!), I still don't get the Muslim outrage.
Maybe instead of troops we should send care packages full of Prozac, Zoloft, Valium, and of course puppy meds to the Middle East. Those folks need to chill out.
I was raised atheist so I don't get religion at all...lots of people have tried to "save" me over the years, without any luck.
And anyways...I don't believe in hell but, if there is one, everyone I know is going there. Why would I want to go to heaven when all the fun folks will be partying around a big bonfire? (I'll bring the marshmallows.)
Try this: Da pope puts his foot in it.
Sweet Cakey Brown,
I'll meet you there with some $7.00 bottles of wine.
And I'll try to bring enough for Eternity, but I don't get paid until next week.
Anunomess,
Sunscreen...VERY important. Good thing you reminded us. I would've just brought the cheap wine and some bandaids.
Bemisdown:
I like how you think. Whoever gets there first should try and save a bunch of seats...I don't fancy spending eternity sitting on the floor. Though maybe after a few glasses of that wine, I won't care so much.
Anunomess:
See if you can sneak a fire extinguisher in with that sunscreen...ya never know, you might be able to pull it off.
(Hay fever stinks...)
I guess I can go back to being "cake" now, huh...since I've done my penance for missing that whole Downtown Julie Brown reference.
"Hell is for Children"
-- Pat Benatar
(I only correct words in quotes)
(written by teachers)
(burma shave)
(or is it "myanmar shave")
I just noticed:
After I post a comment, it says:
"Your comment has been saved."
My comment will live forever in the holy light of Jesus our Lord.
(Although it may take a moment for your comment to appear on the site at the original post.)
Ha. People who don't post won't get that.
So if we post on blogs, we're saved? Wow, with the number of comments I post, I'm saved multiple times over.
Blogs be praised!!
Oooh, umm, Muslim fundamentalists reading this blog? I don't actually really know Anunomess so, umm, if you decide to put her ON NOTICE (or whatever the official holy term is), please leave me out of it.
Thanks!
p.s.
I have wine, if that helps.
"All my clothes must be made from a closely woven unbleached or white cloth, produced from corded cotton yarn."
-- Muslin Fundamentalist
::groooooan!::
Motheragawd,
No need to tell. I've already got a front row seat in Hell reserved for me (I'll put my purse on the seat next to me and save it for Cake-maybe we'll get to watch the Hitler's World Tour Show.)
And Clinky, I think there is a section in Dante's circle specifically for Terminal Spellcheckers. You'll either be next to the "Murderers" or the "Sodomites." Not sure which-just check it on with Ticketmasters.
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