Do NOT Marry These Guys
As I've stated previously my husband requirements are pretty basic. But below I have listed men you should NEVER EVER marry. Or even have coffee with.
Since most of the guys listed are famous and are actually already married, we in the academic world would consider them "Archetypes," which means "any man who is even remotely similar to the listmakers." If one of their kind should approach you and ask you for your number, immediately "Stop, Drop, and Roll..." Ooops. Wrong Dangerous Situation advice. I meant just turn around and run really really really fast, like you were being chased by a high speed train full of crazed Muslim fanatics pumped on Methamphetamines holding hand held nuclear weapons (Apple must make those by now) burning American flags, in the opposite direction. Which means wicked fast.
There is no particular rank order here-I trust you can do that by yourself.
1. Lance Bass: Gay guys make lousy husbands. To women, anyway. Espcially if they've ever been in an "All Boy's Band." Gross.
2. Any Rapper: First of all, they don't have names. J-Z, P-Diddy, R2D2, OCD... what the fuck is THAT about? They wear "Bling," gold teeth (these guys would've been a windfall for Nazi Concentration Camps Commanders),live in "Cribs," shoot eachother, think every conversation needs to rhyme, and figure out a way to include "YO" in every sentence. And, of course, they treat women, I mean "Bitches and Hoes," with the utmost respect. The rhyming thing would bug me most though.
3. The enormous, grumpy, paranoid guy who sits behind the counter of his dingy, small town family owned since WWI convenience store, and acts like you're doing HIM a favor when you buy a Diet Coke that's probably been on the shelf since 1981. (Although, to give this guy SOME credit, he still sells candy cigarettes. That's such a "Fuck-You" to the modern world that it almost requires admiration.)
4. Bobby Brown: "Do you, Bobby Brown, take Whitney Houston to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, cherish her, and turn her from a beautiful, internationally acclaimed and fabulously successful recording artist into gutter crawling, skeletal looking shameless crack whore addict? And will you punch her in the face periodically?"
5. Rick Santorum: Republican Senator from PA, who's ideas of "family values" include scarring his children for life by bringing his prematurely born (read: DEAD) baby home from the hospital and forcing everyone in the family to hold it, cuddle it, sing to it, and have "family pictures" taken before he allowed a proper burial. Aren't there places, with straightjackets, for people like this? I guess the U.S Senate will have to do.
6. Michael Jackson: A romantic evening with this guy might involve reassuring him that, Honest-to-God, NOONE can tell you had plastic surgery, sharing a couple of glasses of wine (Jesus Juice) slipped into Pepsi cans, and inviting the neighborhood kids over to watch his personal home videos. Creep Meters don't have a number high enough for this guy.
7. Osama Bin Ladin: Lives in a cave, has a bunch of other wives, kills thousands of people for a living, and thinks Whitney Houston is "Hot." What a catch! This guy sorely needs to watch The GodFather, Parts I-II, to see how truly "classy" mass murderers behave.
8. Kevin Federline: YOUR problem Britney!!!! He's not only a leech, but I'll bet he's pretty smelly too. Time to move back to the trailor park, Princess of Pop.
9. O.J. Simpson: If you don't mind ending up dead, he used to be a good football player. I think.
10. Bill O'Reilly: I cannot even imagine what the dinnertime conversation is at HIS house, since his wife and children probably have duct tape over their mouths because HE'S the only one allowed to talk. Really Loud. And sex with Bill O'Reilly??? Let's just say I wouldn't interrupt him during one of his 35 second "No Spin Zone" episodes. Remind me to send a sympathy card to his ACTUAL wife.
11. Slugs. These types can read anything except the "Help Wanted" ads. Eventually,they become so embedded into your livingroom couch that you need to enlist professional Slug Removal Services to pry them out. Since I've personaly never had a slug in my home, my advice may be meaningless. But I think the first thing I'd do is shut off the cable-what's a slug to do without Jerry Springer and Judge Judy?
That's my list. Remember ladies....Archetypes. (I just had to use the word one more time.)
Since most of the guys listed are famous and are actually already married, we in the academic world would consider them "Archetypes," which means "any man who is even remotely similar to the listmakers." If one of their kind should approach you and ask you for your number, immediately "Stop, Drop, and Roll..." Ooops. Wrong Dangerous Situation advice. I meant just turn around and run really really really fast, like you were being chased by a high speed train full of crazed Muslim fanatics pumped on Methamphetamines holding hand held nuclear weapons (Apple must make those by now) burning American flags, in the opposite direction. Which means wicked fast.
There is no particular rank order here-I trust you can do that by yourself.
1. Lance Bass: Gay guys make lousy husbands. To women, anyway. Espcially if they've ever been in an "All Boy's Band." Gross.
2. Any Rapper: First of all, they don't have names. J-Z, P-Diddy, R2D2, OCD... what the fuck is THAT about? They wear "Bling," gold teeth (these guys would've been a windfall for Nazi Concentration Camps Commanders),live in "Cribs," shoot eachother, think every conversation needs to rhyme, and figure out a way to include "YO" in every sentence. And, of course, they treat women, I mean "Bitches and Hoes," with the utmost respect. The rhyming thing would bug me most though.
3. The enormous, grumpy, paranoid guy who sits behind the counter of his dingy, small town family owned since WWI convenience store, and acts like you're doing HIM a favor when you buy a Diet Coke that's probably been on the shelf since 1981. (Although, to give this guy SOME credit, he still sells candy cigarettes. That's such a "Fuck-You" to the modern world that it almost requires admiration.)
4. Bobby Brown: "Do you, Bobby Brown, take Whitney Houston to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, cherish her, and turn her from a beautiful, internationally acclaimed and fabulously successful recording artist into gutter crawling, skeletal looking shameless crack whore addict? And will you punch her in the face periodically?"
5. Rick Santorum: Republican Senator from PA, who's ideas of "family values" include scarring his children for life by bringing his prematurely born (read: DEAD) baby home from the hospital and forcing everyone in the family to hold it, cuddle it, sing to it, and have "family pictures" taken before he allowed a proper burial. Aren't there places, with straightjackets, for people like this? I guess the U.S Senate will have to do.
6. Michael Jackson: A romantic evening with this guy might involve reassuring him that, Honest-to-God, NOONE can tell you had plastic surgery, sharing a couple of glasses of wine (Jesus Juice) slipped into Pepsi cans, and inviting the neighborhood kids over to watch his personal home videos. Creep Meters don't have a number high enough for this guy.
7. Osama Bin Ladin: Lives in a cave, has a bunch of other wives, kills thousands of people for a living, and thinks Whitney Houston is "Hot." What a catch! This guy sorely needs to watch The GodFather, Parts I-II, to see how truly "classy" mass murderers behave.
8. Kevin Federline: YOUR problem Britney!!!! He's not only a leech, but I'll bet he's pretty smelly too. Time to move back to the trailor park, Princess of Pop.
9. O.J. Simpson: If you don't mind ending up dead, he used to be a good football player. I think.
10. Bill O'Reilly: I cannot even imagine what the dinnertime conversation is at HIS house, since his wife and children probably have duct tape over their mouths because HE'S the only one allowed to talk. Really Loud. And sex with Bill O'Reilly??? Let's just say I wouldn't interrupt him during one of his 35 second "No Spin Zone" episodes. Remind me to send a sympathy card to his ACTUAL wife.
11. Slugs. These types can read anything except the "Help Wanted" ads. Eventually,they become so embedded into your livingroom couch that you need to enlist professional Slug Removal Services to pry them out. Since I've personaly never had a slug in my home, my advice may be meaningless. But I think the first thing I'd do is shut off the cable-what's a slug to do without Jerry Springer and Judge Judy?
That's my list. Remember ladies....Archetypes. (I just had to use the word one more time.)
posted by Bemisdown at 1:03 PM
19 Comments:
wow. aerosol.
Are you on autopilot or something?
Or just aerosol?
You have heard what Dan Savage did to the name "Santorum"...haven't you?
Beyond priceless.
Did you just call me a 3 and an 11?
Cake, What did he call him?
And nooprah, you are FAR from a 3 or an 11-but do you sell candu cigarettes???
Bemisdown:
I'm sorry for this but...Santorum's a sleaze so he really had it coming:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santorum_%28sexual_slang%29
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I should probably have prefaced that last comment with a "Don't be eating anything while you're reading this!" type warning. Whoops.
Santorum was apparently quite pissed when he got wind of what his name had become associated with...I guess he didn't count on getting stung by karma like that. ::grins::
(The deleted post was me...I just can't type today.)
Cake,
I can't get there from here! Remember, I'm retarded!
We're all grown-ups. Sort of. You can just tell us.
I just posted about Uranus on nooprah's site!
And by the way, one of the classes I teach is Psychology, and there's an obviously important theorist who's name is Karen Horney. The book publishers think we're all going to ignore the obvious by adding a pronouciation key beside her name (Hor NEY).
Yeah, right. That works great! I even join in the chucklefest when we get to her. What choice do I have?
I forgot Blogger doesn't automatically make the links clickable (stupid Blogger). Okay, here goes nothing...don't say I didn't warn you.
::drum roll::
"Santorum is a slang term with the following definition popularized by Dan Savage in 2003.
The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.
It emerged after Savage reacted strongly to United States Senator Rick Santorum's controversial statements about homosexuality in an interview with the Associated Press published April 20, 2003. In the interview, Santorum classes gay sex together with incest, polygamy, and bestiality as deviant sexual behavior threatening society and the family. Santorum further stated that he believed consenting adults do not have a constitutional right to privacy with respect to sexual acts."
My posting that probably strays into politics...but I'm thinking there aren't many people out there who think Santorum is sane.
Did he really bring his dead baby home and pass it around? Oh my.
>>>>>The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter<<<<<<
I'm sure it would taste just fine on a Frito...
Jeeze cake,
I know that! I was married to a gay guy! NOTHING shocks me. That "Frothy Mix....?" I know more than you can imagine. Or more than I should know.
Yeah, he did bring his dead baby home.
And nooprah, you are now officially sicker than I am. Although we haven't discussed gerbils yet.
Although my friend Carey was once playing with a gerbil at lunch, and made comments that literally made me choke and spit milk out of my nose....I will never repeat them.
He, of course, was proud.
"I'm sure it would taste just fine on a Frito..."
Thanks, I was hungry and now I'm not.
Bemisdown:
I'm reasonably unshakeable, too, but I have a few friends who are...let's just say...naive gals. It's made me cautious.
I have this one great candid photo of a friend, which was taken just after I told her what people get pierced. If she'd been drinking, it would've definitely come out her nose.
(I've never tried to tell her what "Santorum" is...)
Cake,
Again, piercings are pretty unsettling.
But again, I was married to a gay guy. When my ex "came out" he pierced every possibly body part that I could SEE, and most likely other parts I couldn't see.
Imagine my childrens' horror when they saw daddy mowing the lawn for the first time without his shirt on sporting two nipple rings and a belly piercing?
I guess it's a Right of Passage....I just shook my head in disgust when I first saw him, and lectured him about the fact that he was a middle aged father of two girls who probably don't share his "Gay Pride."
I REALLY know how to pick em!!!!
Nipple rings are creepy. It doesn't matter who does 'em...they're just creepy.
And what if they got caught on something?!! Oh dear, let's change the subject.
Puppies! Puppies sure are cute, ain't they? Everyone loves puppies!
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