Chick Stuff
Ok nooprah-since our subjects should be limited to food and chick stuff, I'm going for the ultimate chick issue today (I think I have food pretty much covered). May you feel, after reading this post, that you have just sat through a Women's Discussion Group.
I don't want my period anymore. I don't NEED my period anymore. It makes me
Irritable
Fat
Depressed
Pissed off that I have my period.
God REALLY fucked up on this one. And simple calculations support my claim. Are You There God....It's Me, Janet!
Most girls get their periods somewhere around the age of 12. And most parents I know don't say to their daughters at age 12
"Congratualtions honey! You are now officially a woman. You may now USE that period and go out and get pregnant! " (Unless their Mormons)
Nope. We're just stuck with ALREADY unbearable teenage girls who, once a month, are SO bad they make you wish there was an assisted suicide center at every major Mall (I'd actually go to the Mall for that).
The fact is, they won't actually NEED the obnoxious monthy ritual until they're AT LEAST in their 20's. Let's say 25. That's 13 years of needless moodiness and inconvenience for EVERYONE involved.
And since most Americans have, on average, 2.5 children (and congratulations to those who have the .5 kids-you only have to buy half of the food, clothing, college costs etc. as those of us who have 100% children), what happens when they're finished?
NOTHING. And unless you're one of those freaks who decides to have a kid at 55, you get to look forward to a couple of decades of MORE needless periods until you hit Menopause, which, I'm told, just makes you cranky, moody and irritable for an indeterminable stretch of time. And you never know when it's going to happen.
God must hate women. Why can't we just write Him a letter, when we're ready to have kids, and say "Ok God! You can turn the faucet on now!" And when we're DONE having kids, we could just write again and say "Thank-you. You can turn it off." Sort of like a stove-you turn it ON when you're cooking and OFF when you're done. It's a simple concept.
Oh Yeah! I forgot...I referred to God as HIM...what does He give a shit! The only female He let off the hook was Mary (according to what they taught me in Bible classes, anyway) and that's because she was, sorta, a member of HIS family. AND He made sure (again, according to the crap I was taught) He had a son. A little selfish of you God, don't you think?
The whole system is flawed, and if I were elected God it would be the FIRST item on my agenda to fix. I'd move onto poverty, world peace, etc. only AFTER I fixed the Menstrual Mess.
Meanwhile, I think I'll go buy some Midol.
I don't want my period anymore. I don't NEED my period anymore. It makes me
Irritable
Fat
Depressed
Pissed off that I have my period.
God REALLY fucked up on this one. And simple calculations support my claim. Are You There God....It's Me, Janet!
Most girls get their periods somewhere around the age of 12. And most parents I know don't say to their daughters at age 12
"Congratualtions honey! You are now officially a woman. You may now USE that period and go out and get pregnant! " (Unless their Mormons)
Nope. We're just stuck with ALREADY unbearable teenage girls who, once a month, are SO bad they make you wish there was an assisted suicide center at every major Mall (I'd actually go to the Mall for that).
The fact is, they won't actually NEED the obnoxious monthy ritual until they're AT LEAST in their 20's. Let's say 25. That's 13 years of needless moodiness and inconvenience for EVERYONE involved.
And since most Americans have, on average, 2.5 children (and congratulations to those who have the .5 kids-you only have to buy half of the food, clothing, college costs etc. as those of us who have 100% children), what happens when they're finished?
NOTHING. And unless you're one of those freaks who decides to have a kid at 55, you get to look forward to a couple of decades of MORE needless periods until you hit Menopause, which, I'm told, just makes you cranky, moody and irritable for an indeterminable stretch of time. And you never know when it's going to happen.
God must hate women. Why can't we just write Him a letter, when we're ready to have kids, and say "Ok God! You can turn the faucet on now!" And when we're DONE having kids, we could just write again and say "Thank-you. You can turn it off." Sort of like a stove-you turn it ON when you're cooking and OFF when you're done. It's a simple concept.
Oh Yeah! I forgot...I referred to God as HIM...what does He give a shit! The only female He let off the hook was Mary (according to what they taught me in Bible classes, anyway) and that's because she was, sorta, a member of HIS family. AND He made sure (again, according to the crap I was taught) He had a son. A little selfish of you God, don't you think?
The whole system is flawed, and if I were elected God it would be the FIRST item on my agenda to fix. I'd move onto poverty, world peace, etc. only AFTER I fixed the Menstrual Mess.
Meanwhile, I think I'll go buy some Midol.
posted by Bemisdown at 8:59 AM
16 Comments:
Anunomess,
Typos are welcome!
Sorry Janet. I'm pretty busy, but I'll wok on it
I mean "work."
Nobody's perfect.
Hear, hear!
Stupid God. ::ducks lightning bolts::
anunomess,
At least men have a predicatble time table for OUR moods-
THEY, however, can be irritable and obnoxious whenever they want to, without warning.
NOT FAIR!
Be happy with what youve got. He could have made it come out your nose every month, like it does in the middle east.
Yeah, He's kind of gullible, isn't He, Motheragawd? I mean, honestly.
I'm guessing the New England Patriots are gonna have a pretty good season.
motheragawd,
You mean He NEVER knew about all of those times you snuck out of the Heavenly window late at night and went to those Celestial Frat Parties?
Yeah, He needs a talking to. But be gentle-Cake's afraid of lightning bolts.
Nooprah,
The Pats will do fine...none of THEM will have to stop in the middle of a game to rush to the Ladies, I mean MEN'S room for just a second because they have to take care of a (whisper) "personal problem."
And by the way MR. Anonymous,
It doesn't come out of our noses here in the free world every month because, GOD FORBID, we should gross YOU guys out!
Please, allow US to deal with all of the grossness and discomfort without inconveniencing YOU.
I am now officially a Buddist. And in your next life, may all of your testosterone be drained from your body and replaced with Estrogen.
Whoa, Bemisdown ain't pulling her punches!
Next time I get a nosebleed I'm definitely going to remember this whole exchange...and I probably won't be able to stop laughing.
How did we all avoid gettin' fried today, anyways? Is He off at a frat party, maybe? ::keeps nervously watching for lightning::
Cake,
My blog, my responsibility. I'M the one who'll be fried (but just in case, don't stand out in the middle of a thunder storm holding an iron rod towards heaven)
And anunomess,
Chocolate just doesn't do it for me when I have PMS (HEY!!!! Did you guys guess I had PMS today????) I require SERIOUS medication (puppy meds would do) and salty, crunchy stuff. But you go right ahead and dip those cheez-its into a big vat of chocolate. You deserve it-and you might be onto something that, once patented, will cure your unemployment woes. Imagine-a whole line of oddly matched foods designed specifically for gals with PMS. It's almost inspired. Maybe Cake could throw a couple of recipes our way.
I want the new season of The Office to start! Now, now now now. (No, that's not PMS...just plain old impatience.)
My PMS recipes are all inadviseable things like wine, chocolate, chocolate with wine on the side, Midol, some more wine with some chocolate to chase it, maybe an Advil or two, and then some more chocolate...medical professionals would be horrified.
Meantime, I'm curious about something...
::runs around with lightning rod::
Cake,
Sounds like a perfect PMS diet to me.
I'm pretty sure the medical community was never crazy about Twinkies either.
And exactly what ARE you curious about?
I was just curious whether I'd accumulated enough blasphemy to actually get struck by lightning on a clear night.
I hadn't! It's a miracle!
Post a Comment
<< Home