Did YOU Get a Card?

I always wondered about people who send cards and gifts to folks they don't know and will never meet.

Exactly how lame can you get? I remember years ago when Charles, Prince of Ears, married Diana in that intimate ceremony watched by 4,655,423,742 people, and later read somewhere that they had received tons of wedding gifts from all over the world.

What kind of person thinks to themselves while rushing around doing Saturday errands:

"Darn! I CAN'T forget to pick something up for Charles and Diana! Wonder if there's anything at Linens N Things they might like?"

And then actually BUYS, I dunno, wedding picture frames, tastefully wraps them, goes to the Post Office and SENDS them with an enclosed card saying:

Dear Charles & Diana,

Congratualtions. Wishing you both a lifetime of Happiness. I hope you like the picture frames.

Sincerely,
Mr.and Mrs.James P. Carmichael
23 E. Loring Street
Lincoln, Nebraska

These aren't sane people. (And by the way Mr.and Mrs. Carmichael, you may have heard not to bother sending an anniversary card.)

My first question, of course, is how exactly do they address these cards and gifts?

Do they just write, say, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Hollywood, California and ASSUME the matching candlestick holders will get there? And that Tom and Katie, who really LOVE matching candlestick holders will be so thrilled with their gift that they'll call to personally thank them?

And secondly, don't these people have lives? I give cards and gifts to exactly TWO people, both of whom I gave birth to. That's it for me.

I bring this up because as we speak there are millions of Americans who are sending Christmas cards, gifts, and (according to the Commander-in-Chief) prayers to the First Family.

It's like the family in the Big White House is on their "personal card giving" list, right there with Aunt Dottie (who's arthritis has been acting up) and the niece who's "on vacation" (in rehab) and needs to be remembered around this special holiday season (probably crack).

But the family in the Big White House also sends out millions of Christmas cards to people they don't know, as long as those people have sent THEM large checks regularly throughout the years. I've personally never received one of these cards...until this year.

Mysteriously, an Official Big White House Christmas Card appeared in my mailbox at work. It was the real deal, the kind you can't buy at stores and that only people like IANO, if he's REALLY a Republican and REALLY gives them money, would get.

So I spent a day and enlisted the services of my colleagues to figure out who placed this vile item in my mailbox. There were several possible candidates, but once I discovered who the criminal was, it turns out I was actually the recipient of quite an honor.

One of my former student's has her own holiday tradition-her father gives piles of money to the Republican Party,and every year when the Official Big White House Christmas Card arrives, she snatches it from dad, writes a "personal note from the President" in it, and gives it to the individual who has demonstrated in the previous year the greatest disgust for the current occupant of the Oval Office. And THIS year, I won.

So I now PROUDLY display my Official Big White House Christmas Card from (stamped signature) George and Laura.

But they aren't getting one from me. Even though I know their address.