The Shrink of All Shrinks

First of all, please excuse my absence. I have a note from my dead parents explaining that my computer was being retarded and I couldn't write at the taxpayers expense while at school because all of THOSE computers were being retarded too.

Anyway, this MUST have been the advertisement placed in the papers when my school (the same one that hired a one legged track coach) was looking for a Psychologist:

Wanted: School Psychologist with experience in both testing and counseling at risk students. The candidate must be a Vietnam Veteran with a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, swear profusely, speak and move at approximately 150 miles per hour, sleep at night surrounded by guns, knives, and various martial arts weapons, and be willing to share his past and current drug use with anyone who happens to be within earshot. Salary negotiable.

This pretty much describes OUR school Psychologist, whom we have dubbed John "Fucking" Smith (Real Name: "You Ain't Getting That Out of Me Because I'm Not Quite That Stupid.") He's basically the most insane person I've ever known, but he satisfies one very important professional standard: he entertains me.

Dr. John is noted for doing some of the following:

1. Randomly strolling into my classroom while I was pointing something out on a map and saying "What the fuck is this? Why are you making these poor kids stare at this fucking map? I HATED when teachers made me look at those Godamn things!" (I then introduced him to my mortified students and suggested they not become mentally ill because they might end up having to see him.)

2. Telling students about being in Vietnam, dropping Acid, and killing "Gooks."

3. Being pulled over by the cops for driving like a maniac (I think he pays the equivalent of the Gross Domestic Product of Uruguay for car insurance) and ripping up the ticket in front of the cop and telling him "I'm a crazy son of a bitch and you can shove this ticket up your ass." And getting away with it.

4. My favorite: The jerk who's responsible for our 19th century technology went into his office one day and said "Get up. I'm taking all of the karate sites off of your computer." Dr. John, needless to say, told him to get the fuck out of his office and if he ever came near him again he'd tear his gay ass apart.

So why hasn't he been fired yet, you might ask? Because he's actually good with the kids, we all like him, and the powers that be are probably afraid of a lawsuit (and value their lives).

Besides, every workplace needs a self-proclaimed but fun mental case around. Even if he happens to be the resident Psychologist.