So THAT'S What They're For!
Another GREAT piece from one of America's top Newszak Stations.
A candidate for the post of State Superintendent of Schools in Oklahoma recently suggested that students always keep their textbooks close by to use as shields in case armed intruders invade their classrooms.
Shit! Why didn't I think of that? And all these years I thought the books were meant to give kids premature back problems from hauling them around all day.
At $70.00-$80.00 a pop, they might as well have SOME positive function.
According to the Superintendent Candidate, the Calculus books weren't great in the testing phase against AK-47's, but might be of some help if pistols were involved. But we're talking Math books here...obviously THEY can't do the job.
However, my big fat History Of The Whole Wide World texts? NOTHING would get through those babies. The bullet would have to start in the Ice Age and make its way to the Modern Post Cold War World before it touched an actual student.
My guess is it would disintegrate from sheer boredom somewhere around The Congress of Vienna. Really DEADLY ammunition might make it to Chapter 27 (Revolutions of 1848) but no further. No way.
Are you hearing this Publishing Industry? Since noone's actually READING your books, this proposal gives you a whole new sales pitch.
Just send out glossy catalogs to every school district in the country (and The Pentagon) and say "Our most recent book, 'The Pageant of World History from Zero to Now' could save your child's life. Oh. And it was written by really smart college professors too."
Inspired.
A candidate for the post of State Superintendent of Schools in Oklahoma recently suggested that students always keep their textbooks close by to use as shields in case armed intruders invade their classrooms.
Shit! Why didn't I think of that? And all these years I thought the books were meant to give kids premature back problems from hauling them around all day.
At $70.00-$80.00 a pop, they might as well have SOME positive function.
According to the Superintendent Candidate, the Calculus books weren't great in the testing phase against AK-47's, but might be of some help if pistols were involved. But we're talking Math books here...obviously THEY can't do the job.
However, my big fat History Of The Whole Wide World texts? NOTHING would get through those babies. The bullet would have to start in the Ice Age and make its way to the Modern Post Cold War World before it touched an actual student.
My guess is it would disintegrate from sheer boredom somewhere around The Congress of Vienna. Really DEADLY ammunition might make it to Chapter 27 (Revolutions of 1848) but no further. No way.
Are you hearing this Publishing Industry? Since noone's actually READING your books, this proposal gives you a whole new sales pitch.
Just send out glossy catalogs to every school district in the country (and The Pentagon) and say "Our most recent book, 'The Pageant of World History from Zero to Now' could save your child's life. Oh. And it was written by really smart college professors too."
Inspired.
posted by Bemisdown at 7:29 PM
3 Comments:
And...a Texas security company suggested that children be taught to throw stuff at classroom intruders. A classroom full of first graders throwing Seuss with all their puny 7-year-old strength? Makes me wanna SOB. (I just linked to your blog. Long live Bemisdown!)
Okay, I just finished stitching text books into my coat, just in case of drive-by shootings on my way to work...
...and now it's too heavy to put on.
Cake,
The Textbook as Fashion Accessory/Shield trick rarely works.
Just place the text on your lap while driving and hold it up at the first signs of shooting. It will frighten off all invaders (NOTE: It MUST be a History textbook-ask Motheragawd-I believe there are now instructions on the first page)
And thanks Sparkle! I will do my own "linking" as soon as I figure out how. I'm a little retarded.
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