Stuck In A Ditch

And I thought "Stuckwithacomb" was retarded. (Cute, but retarded.) But I may have outdone him.

My friend Joanie (Real Name: Joanie) has a driveway approximately the length of an airline runway. Only it's not paved. It's all dirt, twisty and turny and flanked by trees (some of which periodically fall), prickly bushes, the occasional animal and other forms of nature. Joanie loves the Great Outdoors, but her driveway is, according to my car anyway, an obstacle course.

I'd like to set the record straight here first... my DRIVING history is pristine. My PARKING history is another story. While my sister, the Holy Holy Motheragawd, can manage to parallel park into a spot that's technically smaller than her car, I couldn't park in an empty football field without ending up looking like I had just downed six shots of Tequila. Let's just say I'm not gifted that way.

So yesterday I was headed out of Joanie's longer than life driveway when I met up with her kids. They asked me to give them a ride to their house, and STUPIDLY I agreed. How can you say no to cute kids? The catch was that I had to drive backwards. No big deal!!!! Unless you're me, of course. The Tsarina of Parking driving backwards in the wilderness? Perhaps I should have sensed a potential problem with this scenario, but an expensive education is sometimes overrated.

"Hop on board kids!!!!" It took Spinado Spinnolini here about three minutes and two feet before I was hopelessly stuck in a ditch. And then it started to rain, just to make the adventure THAT MUCH MORE FUN!!!!!!

One hour, a man wearing army fatigues driving what looked like a Panzar, some chains, a tree, prickly things starting to grow in my car and a lot of money later I was finally free.

The only moral to this story I can think of is "Don't attempt Joanie's driveway backwards." Especially if your parking history is spotty. It'll cost you almost as much as a comb.