GET OFF THE ROADS IMMEDIATELY!!!!!
My brother Richard sent me a very frightening picture today: A motorcycle. In HIS garage.
The picture was accompanied by the following note:
"Some people think I might get hurt."
THINK?????
I'm sort of hoping that it's just a really cool exercise bike, but I know better-if it wasn't fast and/or dangerous, Richard would never have purchased it.
There's a couple things you need to understand about Richard:
1. He Doesn't Believe In Speed Limits
ME: (As Panicked Passenger in Richard's Car): "Could you slow down??? Please???"
RICHARD: "Chill Out! Highways are DESIGNED for speed." (Gas pedal pressed to the floor of the car) "Let's see what we can get this baby to do!"
ME: (Now huddled in the fetal position) "PLEEEASE????"
2. He Doesn't Believe In Basic Rules
When I was young and REALLY stupid, I actually allowed Richard to give me a ride on one of his motorcycles-let's just say it may have been the longest 15 minutes of my life. And he took extra special care that I got the FULL joyful experience...driving like there was an invading army behind us we had to escape from, turning corners so sharply that I could practically feel the concrete on my totally exposed arm...and as if THAT wasn't enough, he actually turned his head around when "driving," looked at me as I was screaming and my eyes were popping out of their sockets to yell "HAVING FUN YET????"
I have now learned to never go on a moving object with Richard. I wouldn't even go on the Teacup ride at Disneyland with him-he'd somehow manage to make it scary.
But let this be a warning to all of you. Don't worry about Terrorist attacks. Don't worry that Iran has Nuclear weapons.
DO worry about the fact the Richard has a motorcycle in his garage. It may very well be on a road near you soon.
The picture was accompanied by the following note:
"Some people think I might get hurt."
THINK?????
I'm sort of hoping that it's just a really cool exercise bike, but I know better-if it wasn't fast and/or dangerous, Richard would never have purchased it.
There's a couple things you need to understand about Richard:
1. He Doesn't Believe In Speed Limits
ME: (As Panicked Passenger in Richard's Car): "Could you slow down??? Please???"
RICHARD: "Chill Out! Highways are DESIGNED for speed." (Gas pedal pressed to the floor of the car) "Let's see what we can get this baby to do!"
ME: (Now huddled in the fetal position) "PLEEEASE????"
2. He Doesn't Believe In Basic Rules
When I was young and REALLY stupid, I actually allowed Richard to give me a ride on one of his motorcycles-let's just say it may have been the longest 15 minutes of my life. And he took extra special care that I got the FULL joyful experience...driving like there was an invading army behind us we had to escape from, turning corners so sharply that I could practically feel the concrete on my totally exposed arm...and as if THAT wasn't enough, he actually turned his head around when "driving," looked at me as I was screaming and my eyes were popping out of their sockets to yell "HAVING FUN YET????"
I have now learned to never go on a moving object with Richard. I wouldn't even go on the Teacup ride at Disneyland with him-he'd somehow manage to make it scary.
But let this be a warning to all of you. Don't worry about Terrorist attacks. Don't worry that Iran has Nuclear weapons.
DO worry about the fact the Richard has a motorcycle in his garage. It may very well be on a road near you soon.
posted by Bemisdown at 2:09 PM
12 Comments:
::tears up plane ticket::
Well, that's THAT trip scratched. Thanks a lot Richard!
WOW! I'm telling you, Beamie, ya gotta publish a book of stories about your family. You'll make a mint! You and James Thurber! Raking in the dough! I'm good at coming up with titles, so whenever you need one, I'll come up with one for you--free gratis.
Ladies,
My life has been "Danger Will Robertson" from the get go....
I might just take you up on that offer Sparkle!
Cake,
Funny you should mention planes...once my brothers Richard and Robert went on some trip together. Richard is, well, Richard. Robert is VERY anxious.
Just as they got to the security checkpoint at the airport, Robert first in line, Richard whispered to him "By the way...you're holding."
Whether Richard slipped something into his pocket or not, I'm pretty sure THOSE were the longest moments of Robert's life.
Someone out there needs a kidney and other medical scrasps...
Clinky,
You really HAVE been hitting the moonshine today!
Richard doesn't own an organ that anyone, even on their deathbed, would want.
And HA Clinky....
Caught you in a spelling mistake! I believe you meant to say "scrapts?"
I'm sure it was the Moonshine...but that's what you get for being the Guardian of Proper Spelling. The title comes with responsibilities.
Motheragawd,
So what does that make him...a "Role Model?"
I wouldn't call him insane-just retarded.
Bemis:
I just nearly spit up, laughing...
"Caught you in a spelling mistake! I believe you meant to say "scrapts?""
Did you mean SCRAPS?
::giggles a bit madly::
I actually meant to say "schcrampfts."
But no, really, "scrasps" is an obscure, but real, bit of medical jargon.
Click here to learn more.
I can't believe I actually followed that link.
I need help.
::bangs head on desk::
OOPS-that's what I get for trying to be all teachery.
But...ummm..I did it on purpose to make cake laugh!
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