Where Do I Sign Up?

Normally I'm opposed to religions that have strict food and clothing requirements (come to think of it,I'm basically just opposed to religion).

But CNN had a "Breaking News Alert" on its website today saying Al Qaeda's new "Second in Command" (Read: Loser who can't even take over the corner office from a guy who lives in a cave) has sent out an intenet message entitled "Invitation To Islam."

I didn't read the post-first of all, I think the title speaks for itself. And secondly, I don't want Federal Officials swarming my house before I've had a chance to at least wash the dishes in my sink.

Anyway, this Al Qaeda VIP, who's name is Ayman Al Zawawerenowhiring is looking for recruits. I'm assuming he didn't try Monster.com or some of the other reputable hiring sites (which is why HE doesn't have the corner office, I'll bet). Instead, he placed his "Help Wanted" ad tucked into some secret website full of crypotgrams even Dan Brown couldn't decifer. Yeah buddy-that'll get you the Best and the Brightest.

But having been in the same job for a number of years, I naturally thought,"What can this Al Qaeda Inc. offer me?"

I must admit there are many perks:

1. A lifetime in a desert with no running water

2. A fitness routine which will get me in shape in no time and teach me to run really fast while hauling an AK47 (whatever that is-I must've heard about them on Law & Order or Frontline...yeah yeah yeah...they're guns. But that's all I know)

3. Attactive outfits that look like my bedsheets dyed black with little holes where my eyes are so I might be able to actually SEE 3 inches in front of me-it would be like Halloween EVERDAY!

4. The possiblity of finding ONE husband who has 30 other wives

5. The "protection" of men who may routinely beat the shit out of me for my own good

6. The honor of being so respected and revered that 12 year old boys can throw rocks at me in the streets if my ankles are showing, thus guarding my dignity

7. And if I'm REALLY on the "fast track," the opportunity to wear a designer suicide vest for the purpose of blowing up innocent people, including myself, of course, and getting a street named after me

8. A Hefty Trashbag full of American Flags to burn at random (tossed in would be a couple of Israeli Flags, just for variety)

Man. Tough decision. But I don't think I would be a good "fit" for your company, Mr. Ayman Al Zawawerenowhiring.

Too many food requirements, and I'm just not willing to give up my Sour Cream and Onion Chips, Cocoa Puffs, or McDonalds. And there's WAY too much praying
required ( I'll bet you a couple of Red Sox Tickets that the women are secretely praying "GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!!)

But thanks for the offer-and feel free to send those 12 year old little brats
into MY classroom. I'll have THEM shaped up in no time.